I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize