Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
