it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
