there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
