the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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