He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
