Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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