Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
