there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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