Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
