Me too!
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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