The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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