Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize