Tell her she can't have a vagina
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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