The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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