when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
whose parrot is this?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
