I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
