Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i already hear my dad disowning me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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