One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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