I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
