I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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