So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
even my farts smell like vagina
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
