DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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