I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's never too late to be topless.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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