Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
