At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize