I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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