i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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