i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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