you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
