She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm just crazy horny about you
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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