I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
