stop calling my apartment porn island.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
