he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
