I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
