Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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