The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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