Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
