Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
