you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
