highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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