is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
