It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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