Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
