GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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