I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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