i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
