you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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