listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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