if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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