if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
