Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
