life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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