i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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