You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So here I am, sexting at work.
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