I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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