so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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